Written By: Anthony Bafaro
According to Tony Softli’s sock-puppet
sources, the Rams are the center piece of a ground-breaking multi-team
trade. It’s still unclear what exactly the
Rams are giving up, but their return is a staggering 12 1st round
draft picks, spanning the 2027-2034 drafts.
I was able to sync up with Softli’s argyle insider, who quoted Les Snead
on the matter.
“This league is changing,” Snead said, “within the next
twenty years, hitting the quarterback will be outlawed completely; at that
point, defenses will abandon defensive line play altogether. We’re looking at a scenario where the best
defenses will be fielding eleven defensive backs at once.”
Alright sir, maybe
you’re right, but what makes those particular drafts so special? Whom exactly are you targeting? Snead was surprisingly candid and amazingly
brief in his response; “Cromarties,” he said, “all of them.”
Antonio Cromartie’s procreation prowess has been well
documented. He has twelve children,
ranging from womb, to seven years-old, and according to coach Jeff Fisher, they
have their father’s athleticism. “Well,
Antonio’s a very special player,” Fisher said, “and he’s a very special playa. People make snarky comments about all of his
children, but I think it’s a great. A
man that’s blessed with exceptional genetics has a responsibility to spread his
seed. These kids hit the ground running,
literally. It reminds me of that Upright
Citizens Brigade skit, “Baby Runner.” Do
you remember that one—infants born with the leg strength of adult Cheetahs? Christ that skit was funny; who knew it was a
premonition?”
It’s worth noting that not all of Cromartie’s children are
boys. Fisher and Snead both acknowledged
this fact. According the Rams’ brass,
Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, in their steadfastly arbitrary fashion, is
backing a movement to break the sex-barrier in the NFL. With the physicality of the game waning out
of sight, both Fisher and Snead believe a co-ed NFL is a very real possibility. “Let’s be honest,” Snead said, “you’re going
to get a lot more production out of Jurzie Cromartie than Craig Dahl, that’s
just a fact. Plus, since they’re women,
we’ll only have to pay them about 80% of what their male counterparts make.”
This is the type of move that can make or break an entire franchise. A lot of things have to go right over the
next thirty-years for this to qualify as a good trade for the Rams. Only time will tell whether Snead’s move
leaves him with the legacy of being a genius or a joker, but he has secured
himself a permanent place in NFL history.
If he’s right, we may see an all Cromartie NFL by the turn of the
century.
